Expectations vs. Agreements
I'd really love it if we banished the word "expectations" from our leadership lexicon. This might sound a little antagonistic. Afterall, most of the organizations I've worked with have created leadership expectations that are carefully designed by smart, dedicated leaders and leadership development professionals. These expectations illustrate the scope, degrees of responsibility and specific behaviors that the company look for at each leadership level. On one hand, they present a very clear and important map, by which developing managers and leaders can navigate their career development. Come annual review time, these guidelines are also rubric by which to assess leadership effectiveness and areas for improvement. Seems pretty swell, right?
Well, kinda.
I'm a huge believer in transparency, clarity, and consistency. Where you lose me is with the idea of a unilateral "expectation." I've heard it said that expectation is a recipe for disappointment. But I go a step further and submit that expectation is actually premeditated resentment. Let me explain.
An expectation is a one-way demand - usually based on hierarchy in an unequal power structure. Somewhat like our parents who had expectations of us in our formative years. "I expect you to be polite when our guests arrive." 'I expect you to clean your room before you take the car." "I expect you to get your homework done before you watch TV."
On the surface it seems relatively straight forward. But these expectations carry a significant amount of subjective judgement on the part of the "expector," and they leave the "expectee" at a bit of a loss about how to live up to that expectation. How polite do I really have to be when Aunt Mabel pinches my cheeks? How clean does my room really have to be before I can leave? How well do I have to do my homework before I can take a break?
Even more befuddling, so many of our expectations go unspoken. Especially those created from our own personal codes and judgments. It doesn't occur to me, for example, to tell people to be on time to work, because I have a strong value of respecting time. But not everyone holds this value as tightly as I do. Or they might have a value that supersedes timekeeping - perhaps it's full presence with their kids each morning before school. So a meltdown about missing homework before school is going to require their full attention, and work is going to have to wait.
The cure for that, we're told by those well meaning leadership development experts, is to have clearly stated expectations. Which would look something a little more like: "I expect you to put all fold and put away your clean cloths, put your dirty clothes in the laundry, vacuum your floor, put all your water glasses in the dishwasher." Now we've taken some of the ambiguity away, but Mom doesn't know that the sock drawer is full of contraband candy wrappers, so we'll just leave those right there. My point is the more prescriptive we get from our authoritative perch, the more we risk missing something.
But worse than that…. By setting unilateral expectations, we miss the opportunity to foster understanding, recruit commitment and have a more complete and satisfying outcome when we don't include the "expectees" in the contract.
So what's the alternative? Create powerful agreements.
As opposed to the one-dimensional expectation, an agreement is a co-created contract between two people to facilitate a desired outcome. In our example - a clean room.
An agreement allows space for understanding by discussing the reason for and terms of the contract. Why is it important to have a clean room? What standards constitute a clean room? What timelines are reasonable and acceptable to achieve those standards? What tools or help do you need to get the room clean? How will you be rewarded once the task is complete?
It takes more focus, energy and time to get the initial agreement established. But think about how much time and energy the parent in our example is saving in the long term. By getting clear on the importance of the task and its context in the broader family and household, we mitigate the "this is so stupid" feet dragging. Cycles of inspection and rework are cut down. By agreeing to standards set and instilling pride in purpose, we are able to have a conversation about what good looks like and engage creative thinking - hmmm, those contraband candy wrappers probably need to go before Mom checks. By negotiating the deadline, we're able to set achievable, reasonable timelines that honor context and other responsibilities. By discussing tools needed, we open a dialogue about how to self-serve, problem solve and advocate for success. By talking about rewards, we motivate, recognize and have a sense of completion.
And most importantly, when we secure powerful agreements, we have a shared sense of purpose and accountability. It's so much easier to give feedback - constructive or positive - when we're rooted in a mutual contract that both parties have bought into. Just feel the difference between these two:
"All I asked is for you to clean your room, and I come home to this mess?! No car for you this weekend."
"We agreed that you would clean your room by 3:00 and then you could have the car. What kept you from fulfilling that agreement, and what are you going to do to get your car privileges back?"
Where are you holding unstated expectations and building resentment? Where are your expectations being met but not rewarded? What agreements do you need to secure to be more effective as a leader?
I'd love to hear your thoughts!