A Gentle Suggestion: Stop Should-ing
There a few words that are guaranteed to turn me into a belligerent six-year-old. One of those words is "should." It's elicits an instantaneous Jekyll and Hyde flash, except that instead of a hulking murderous Hyde, I transform into a sassy, hip-flipping brat. According to my husband and my sister - the two people who know me best--I have a pretty expressive face, particularly in moments of irritation, anger and annoyance. So I've learned that when someone offers me advice with the word "should" in the delivery, I have to do everything in my power to keep my jaw loose and my arms uncrossed. I stare straight ahead or slightly down at a fixed point to keep my withering eye roll from crushing the soul of the person who is kindly offering me their opinion, thoughts or helpful advice.
My allergic reaction to the word "should" is so bad that even if I hear something as benign as, "Oh, my god - this is the most amazing thing I've ever tasted. You should try this!" I will decline for all eternity out of pure spite.
My two main beefs with the word are 1. It just drips with subjective judgement. 2. It stirs up every internal insecurity and self-judgement that I'm already trying to manage.
Let me break it down. There's a whole formulaic monologue packed into those six letters:
I see a problem or deficit in you that needs a solution.
I sense that you aren't smart/fit/motivated/knowledgeable to figure that out on your own.
I know what you need to do to fix it.
I know - pretty loaded right? Think I'm being reactive? Probably - but let me tease that out for you with an example.
What is actually said:
Me: I think I'm going to try this new style of Pilates, because I want to get stronger.
Them: You know what you should do? You should lift heavy weights.
The subtext:
Me: I'm feeling insecure about my fitness level, and I'm going to try something new, what do you think?
Them: Oh, you're feeling unfit and weak. Poor ignorant fool. Your solution is a waste of time. Let me educate you on what is better.
Of course I know that most "shoulds" are delivered with kind and honorable intentions. Most of the time a should comes from someone who has found success with their way and wants to save us time and struggle - to use their wisdom like a game hack so we can complete the level more easily. I know I was guilty of this with my kids. I can't remember how many times I told them, "I used to have the same struggles. Learn from my stupid mistakes. It's easy if you just XYZ…"
But what we do when we hand someone a steaming heap of "should" is we disempower them. We invalidate the things they've already tried, we unintentionally feed into any insecurities they have about their ability to succeed, and we deprive them of the experience of playing the game and learning.
I'm not going to tell you what you should do instead, but I will offer a few alternatives for your consideration. (See what I did there?)
First always ask permission when you offer advice. My sister and her daughter have a short hand when one of them brings up a problem. "Do you want to vent and have an shoulder to cry on, or are we solutioning?"
Second, try coming from a place of curiosity. "What is it about Pilates that you're drawn to?" This will give you room to validate their attempted solution and congratulate them for taking action/trying something new.
Lastly, more open language helps keep the lines of understanding open. "Have you considered heavy weights? I've heard they can be really beneficial." Or, "I've been excited to try heavy weights, is that something you've thought about?"
One way to practice this shift is on yourself. I'm constantly pointing out to my clients that they're "shoulding on themselves." We all know what we "should" do most of the time. That's not the problem. It's fixing the energy around the resistance that is going to move us forward. Instead of saying, "I should just get up earlier every day so I can work out." Try, "I'm excited to get up earlier so I have more time in the mornings." Feel the difference?
Where are you shoulding on yourself? Where are you shoulding on others? What energy and possibility could open up if you left more room for others to find their own solutions?
Tune in next time to hear my second most temper tantrum provoking word: Expectation.